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How many times as week do you think couples should be having sex?
Well the real answer is, as many times as suits the couple. Everyone is different and as long as both partners are happy with the frequency then all is good. Here is the thing. Sex is the highest form of communication and all that ‘conversation stuff’ is all foreplay. So lets talk about how communication, conversations and connection ties in with having great sex.
The truth is, sex is all about communication and is our most intimate form of communicating with our partners. How we connect with others comes naturally to some and not so naturally to others but is essential for building awesome relationships. We communicate and transmit information all day long; I am available or not, I am open or not, I am relaxed or not, I like you or not, I love you or not. I want to have sex or not. The absence of good communication between couples can cause many problems, pain, misunderstandings, conflict, disconnection, lack of harmony and love, and yes when this happens can mean less sex too. This is how we end up in the proverbial catch-22 of disconnection. We feel upset with our partners or they are upset with us and we disconnect emotionally and then disengage physically and we end up in the relationship spiral of doom. We need physical intimacy to feel happy and connected emotionally and we need emotional connection to have great physical intimacy.
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A lot of couples don’t want to have sexual contact when they are upset and feel emotionally disconnected so they go round and round getting more emotionally and physically distant and the great relationship divide has happened. It can be so discouraging and disheartening. I would like to suggest that
our relationships don’t need to go through this painful process
. We communicate with our actions, what we say or don’t say, and we can certainly learn to communicate more effectively to increase positive connection with our partners. Love after all is an action word. To have more love, quality connection, passion and intimacy in your life you must be more loving and this is where being able to communicate in more loving ways will elevate your relationship to levels of AWESOME-ness. No relationship can be truly happy, fulfilling & successful without knowing how to express yourself to the important people in your life. We all want to feel valued, loved, respected, to feel special and important and I can guarantee you learning new ways to communicate will bring you more of what you want.
Relationships need safety and healthy attachment to thrive. The one question we all need to know from our partners is, “are you there for me” and when we trust that someone is there for us it builds an awesome level of intimacy and connection and yes this is the space for great sex. If you relationship is not thriving in the way you would like and you don’t understand why not, ask yourself what you could do to improve connection with your love.
Here is a list of ideas to get you started with reconnecting. Think of the whole day as foreplay. I am sure you can come up with a few of your own as well.
- positively engage, listen, be curious
- be calm and non-reactive, explain what you need and want clearly
- be appreciative and grateful for what your partner brings to the relationship, thank them for the things they do
- share common interests, time together
- laugh with each other
- be openly affectionate, look at her/him directly
- be transparent and trustworthy
- do not criticize, blame or judge
- put your phone away
- check in for 20 minutes everyday
- smile at each other
- text little things during the day
- gifts for no special reason are nice
- look after yourself which means you take care of yourself, body, mind and soul
- grow, learn, create, be inspired
- be happy
- offer to help, support, be of value
- be loving, caring, kind, compassionate
As Rumi says; Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.
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